He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
