we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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