he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
