Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
