It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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