I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
