I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
