Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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