The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
