I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
