Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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