I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
