i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
