this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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