sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
