So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
