i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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