I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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