Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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