You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
