I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
