I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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