So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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