cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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