Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
