Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
