U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
