it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
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In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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