We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
