Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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