I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
