I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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