I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
