you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
