Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
