the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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