as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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