I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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