woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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