Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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