We're like a lot better than the average bears
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
And then he peed in my hair
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