there's paper in my vomit.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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