tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
