When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
