so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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