I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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