I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
