He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
