Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
