what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
