Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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