I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
