Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
