apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
