John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
