I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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