New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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